 We were privileged recently to share a piece of our marriage story which highlights applied grace and leaning into the truth of who we are in Christ. Click on the image above to listen in...
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 These two stanzas from the poem in the previous blog post really captured my attention. Here they are again: Corona is exposing me. My mindless numbing My endless scrolling My careless words My fragile nerves. We’ve all been exposed. Our junk laid bare. Our fears made known. The band-aid torn. Photo by Florian Glawogger on Unsplash The masquerade done. I've been undone by the coronavirus, specifically, the "stay at home" order in Washington State. You see, I am realizing that my daily routines have made it possible for me to "mask" attitudes and behaviors that are rooted in selfishness (unresolved sin). Ugh! Ugh translates into ugliness that comes out now as the routines have been blown up by the order to STAY AT HOME!  In staying at home, we are rubbing shoulders with one another constantly throughout the day. This is hugely different from our previous routine. I'm sure we are not alone in this experience. In fact, Erin O'Conner writes about this in her great article titled; "A forced slow down has been a welcomed side effect of staying in place." She writes... "One month ago, a typical weekend would include basketball games, multiple flag football matches, and a gymnastics meet. When Sunday nights arrived, we were finishing school projects on a deadline, making the week’s schedule, and preparing meals for the coming days. The coronavirus pandemic has brought that frantic pace to a screeching halt." Yes, that is it, the "screeching halt" is laying my "junk to bare". The "junk" is my perception that projects to be done around the house, brought up by my wife and daughter, create a list in my head. The list represents something that I can never quite get a grip on, accomplish or complete. This is never the intention of her heart, but my head and flesh take it to a different, dark place. The "screeching halt" has brought some things into the light; "my fears are made known, the band-aid torn, the masquerade is done". This is the life-giving message we heard him share and it’s still ringing in our ears. We now repeat his words to you: God is pure light. You will never find even a trace of darkness in him. 1 John 1:5 TPT I am realizing that God is bringing this into the light for my healing and wholeness in Him. Reality check, I don't like it. He can't help but reveal it to me because this is what His love does in us. I am stepping into vulnerability knowing that I am enough because Jesus' love and grace for me are more than enough. Author, speaker, shame researcher Brene Brown says this about vulnerability..." “The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.” More from a walk in the Light and into vulnerability next time. “The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.  For me, Vic, a major part of the 'reorienting" going on in my life and relationships is being "exposed". This poem, shared with me by a friend, opens up a hidden box tucked away in the closet of my heart and soul. Read it slowly once and then come back to it a few more times. Are you being exposed in this time of "stay at home" living? For more of my story, tune in next week. "We’ve all been exposed. Not necessarily to the virus (maybe...who even knows🤷🏼♀️). We’ve all been exposed BY the virus." Corona is exposing us. Exposing our weak sides. Exposing our dark sides. Exposing what normally lays far beneath the surface of our souls, hidden by the invisible masks we wear. Now exposed by the paper masks we can’t hide far enough behind. Corona is exposing our addiction to comfort. Our obsession with control. Our compulsion to hoard. Our protection of self. Corona is peeling back our layers. Tearing down our walls. Revealing our illusions. Leveling our best-laid plans. Corona is exposing the gods we worship: Our health Our hurry Our sense of security. Our favorite lies Our secret lusts Our misplaced trust. Corona is exposing the gods we worship... Corona is calling everything into question:
What is the church without a building? What is my worth without an income? How do we plan without certainty? How do we love despite risk? Corona is exposing me. My mindless numbing My endless scrolling My careless words My fragile nerves. We’ve all been exposed. Our junk laid bare. Our fears made known. The band-aid torn. The masquerade done. So what now? What’s left? Clean hands Clear eyes Tender hearts. What Corona reveals, God can heal. Come Lord Jesus. Have mercy on us." by Sarah Bourn  In this time of "reorientation" we find ourselves in a culture of fear and uncertainty. We are on the road of "reorientation" but we can't map the destination because we can't visualize it. We have never been down this road before and it is affecting our marriage and family relationships. How much are we going to operate out of fear and how much out of love? We have a window of opportunity to rebuild the foundation of all real love and care — a circle of people, related to one another as brother and sister, who know and are known, love and are loved, and who move out in service to the world. The question we left you with in our previous blog was; "Are you experiencing an FFT, regarding your marriage and family relationships right now?" Author, speaker, social scientist Brene Brown describes FFT's as "first times"...she says; it is "hard to be new at things – from small things to global pandemics. When we have no relevant experience or expertise, the vulnerability, uncertainty, and fear of these firsts can be overwhelming."
We need each other, to be connected to the people who know us and love us. Monique and I desire to see you deeply connected, not only in your marriage and family, but also with a few others who can support you in the practical day to day journey with Jesus. We are offering, this month, online marriage workshops that will connect you with others and help you to live out of love not fear with family and friends. For more information, contact us here. This is a first step in a "first time" journey.  The word that is coming front and center to my heart and mind right now in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic is, reorienting. This word takes me back a bit to my days of teaching Elementary Physical Education and a fun series of lessons taught when the weather warmed up in the spring here in northwest Washington. The lessons were in Orienteering and I used the school grounds for mapping out the lesson, where kids would try and find their way around from marker to marker on their maps. Orienteering is the sport of navigation, using a highly detailed map. Whether you’re an experienced hiker, competitive runner, or just a family or group out for an activity in a park, this sport helps you improve your navigation each time.  I really sense we are in a time of "reorientation" in our lives. We've been given new maps and we aren't sure how to read them. The struggles many of us face are because we are in an "FFT". Author, speaker and social scientist Brene Brown is talking about her experience in the coronavirus pandemic. and with what she calls an "FFT's". She says, as only she can say it;
"It’s all about FFTs (effing first times) and how hard it is to be new at things – from small things to global pandemics. When we have no relevant experience or expertise, the vulnerability, uncertainty, and fear of these firsts can be overwhelming. Yet, showing up and pushing ourselves past the awkward, learner stage is how we get braver." You can hear more of her story and explanation on her podcast, very good! Are you experiencing an FFT, regarding your marriage and family relationships right now? Let's talk about this weekly here on the Monday Morning Marriage blog. Will you join us?  It has been far too long since I've written or mused over someone else's writing here on the Marriage Mosaic blog. My musing today comes from the Trust for Today daily devotional from our friends at Trueface. Listening... Listening is a choice of humility---not just for information, but to submit yourself to another's way of seeing. Ever found yourself at a party, in the middle of an intense discussion? Others are sitting nearby, listening. Your ego and pride stand over your shoulder, whispering into your ear. You're reloading while the other person is giving their next statement. Then suddenly you think, Hey, wait. What she said, that's right! It completely invalidates my position and the structure it was build upon. Now you have a choice. You can barge forward, but you'll resort to bluffing and being loud. Or you can admit she's right and ask her to teach you. This is humility in action. Humility promotes respect from others. Humility engenders trust, which engenders transformation. Remember: truth trusted transforms. Truth will not penetrate my heart unless I trust it. #trueface Let those of us with ears listen. A beautiful wise soul said something similar many years ago.
James 1:19-20  Dr. Steve Call, author of Reconnect; insights and tools for cultivation meaningful connection in your marriage, says this regarding play... "Play is an essential ingredient of intimacy. Intimacy comes from the Latin word, intimare, which means to make familiar. The famous philosopher Plato is credited with this thought about play: 'You can discover more about one person in one hour of play than in a year of conversation. ' Playing together cultivates understanding, safety and trust." Play is a way to cultivate our friendship with one another, and according to John Gottman, (www.gottman.com), marriages that are built upon friendship bring increased contentment to both partners. What is play? Play is any activity or experience that brings us pleasure and enjoyment, and it looks different for each couple. Dr. Call says; "Play soothes and provides reassurance because it says to our spouse, I want to be with you. You matter to me. I choose you."  Monique and I are on recent getaway were reflecting on the ways we have incorporated "play" in our almost 27 years of marriage. There have a wide variety of activities we shared together, including: playing card games, backgammon, ladder golf, corn hole, shooting baskets, bicycle riding, mountain biking, morning coffee times, walks around the neighborhood, sight-seeing drives and more recently hiking. Here we are hiking in the Grand Canyon, AZ, enjoying God's creative artistry in living color.  We have to agree with Dr. Steve Call from our experience in almost 27 years of marriage; "play" has been significant in creating a deeper friendship and intimacy in our relationship. We find that in "play" we decompress and are just able to be ourselves; step away from the entrapment of busyness that wants to separate us. How are you cultivating "play" in your marriage? We would love to hear from you. We would love to incorporate your stories of "play", that they might encourage others. Each of our marriages are unique to us, thus sharing is so helpful to all. We encourage you to consider Dr. Steve Call's book; Reconnect, a fantastic resource for your marriage. Go here to get your copy today.   We continue to look at a husband's needs and expectations of his wife in marriage. Dave Willis, in his blogpost, addresses specifically what a husband needs, wants and expects from their wives. (in no particular order). He suggests there are 5 key needs, wants or expectations husbands have for their wives. Here they are:
1) Companionship 2) Respect 3) Sex 4) Domestic support 5) Commitment Things to consider first... Taking a higher view regarding marriage (God's view) is critical if we are going to comprehend sexuality in marriage. Pete and Geri Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, have informed much of what Monique and I believe about sexuality in marriage. This is from one of their blogposts and podcasts... 1. Marriage is a life work – a vocation with a mission. We are “sent” by God to our spouse to love passionately, permanently, intimately, totally, and unconditionally. 2. My first call in life is to be living sign of His love to the church/world in my marriage. I am to be present to my wife as God is to me. 3. Christian marriage is meant to be lived in an aura of sexual chemistry and respect. 4. To raise my children in love, I have to make love. Generally speaking, a majority of men have a strong physical desire for frequent sex, but sex isn’t just physical for them. He feels connected to you when you make love. The Scazzero's believe that our sexuality is deeply rooted in our spirituality. (Jesus' love for us as followers, Holy Spirit in us) This makes perfect sense in the connection physical, emotional and spiritual that happens during intercourse. Do you see it? Making your sexual intimacy a priority demonstrates a deep love, the love of Jesus, from one to the other. Trusting in our new identity in Christ is a key truth that ushers us into the reality that we can be "naked and unashamed" once again. It is here we find freedom to express ourselves sexually.  We continue, in this post, to chat about a husband's needs and expectations of his wife in marriage. Dave Willis, in his blogpost, addresses specifically what a husband needs, wants and expects from their wives. (in no particular order). He suggests there are 5 key needs, wants or expectations husbands have for their wives. Here they are: 1) Companionship 2) Respect 3) Sex 4) Domestic support 5) Commitment 2. Respect I first came across this need for respect through the teaching on marriage from Dr. Emerson Eggerich, Love and Respect. His discovery was rooted in this passage in Ephesians... “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:31-33 Research has found most men would rather feel respected by their wives than feel loved. Dr. Eggerich in essence says that the language of respect in marriage, for most men, is life giving. Basically, when you affirm your husband and believe in him, he’ll feel like he can take on the world. Thus the opposite is also true; when you nag him or constantly correct him or insult him, it will crush his soul. I have found that respect is found in affirmation, and this is a need for husbands and wives. Our friends at Trueface say this regarding affirmation; "Affirmation is one of the most important gifts that we can give. Affirmation meets a God-given need; without which I cannot fully know who God has made me." I think respect is packaged in affirmation and it speaks to our hearts because we are all created in the image of God, which roots all humanity in incredible dignity.
When a husband doesn't feel respected, a common reaction to disrespect is withdrawal. Dr. Eggerich does a beautiful job explaining this here in this post and in the brief video...go here. Have you experienced withdrawal in your marriage? What ways do you show respect to your husband? How often do you affirm one another in your marriage? More next time...  We are talking about a husband's needs and expectations of his wife in marriage. Dave Willis, in his blogpost, addresses specifically what husbands need, want and expect from their wives. (in no particular order). He suggests there are 5 key needs, wants or expectations husbands have for their wives. Here they are: 1) Companionship 2) Respect 3) Sex 4) Domestic support 5) Commitment I'd like to start with companionship, and suggest it should land near the top of any list. I think we can safely substitute the word friendship for companionship here for our purposes. According to research by Dr. John Gottman, long-term vitality and connection is maintained through moments of intentional friendship woven throughout the course of your relationship. Below are five simple ways to strengthen the friendship in your marriage, taken from Liz Higgins great article, 5 Simple Ways to Strengthen the Friendship in Your Marriage. 1. Make small moments into pivotal experiences. This is when the intentional work of maintaining your marital friendship is most important. Couples in long-term relationships must learn to make the seemingly small and mundane moments actually pivotal moments that show your partner you are in tune with their world. In Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, we call this attunement. You intentionally take the time to tune in, actively listen to, and respond to your partner in a way that leaves them acknowledged and heard. This takes practice, as it does't come naturally for the majority of us. 2. Express genuine interest in your partner. Do you do fun things together during your free time? You don’t have to have the same interests as your partner, but you can absolutely enjoy time spent together by engaging in one of their (or your) interests. 3. Make everything positive in your relationship foreplay. As contrary as it may sound, the smallest ways that you acknowledge your partner’s questions and expressions are the most significant in strengthening and securing your physical bond. According to Dr. Gottman’s research, there is actual legitimacy to the “romance starts in the kitchen” mantra. Daily experiences like doing the dishes, folding laundry, watching TV, or cooking together can be opportunities for a deeper connection to occur. These can be moments to share about your day, talk about your goals, or simply to check in on how each other is feeling. 4. Make your friendship unconditional. When you think of your closest friends, you probably know that there are few things (if any) that could dissolve the bond between you. There is an acceptance of your differences, an understanding that you may disagree on certain issues but love each other nonetheless. Simply bringing this mentality into your marriage will do wonders for your connection and romance. Recognizing that you will have differences in opinion and ways of addressing certain issues that come up throughout your life can allow you to explore your partner in a different way. Work stress, issues with the kids, issues with other family members, and so many other things can overflow into your marriage. There should be no conditions when it comes to showing up for your partner. Treat your partner with the same understanding and unconditional support as you would hope to receive from them. 5. Be on your partner’s team. This goes beyond being able to accept your differences. When it comes to you and your partner versus the world, you should always take the side of your spouse. Never side with the enemy. Show genuine interest in being on your partner’s side, and never do or say things that could leave them feeling insignificant or alone. Stand up for your partner when you see them feeling uncomfortable in a social setting. Ground yourselves in your relationship by reminding your partner of your future goals when they are doubting themselves. True friends are never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart. Helen Keller |
Vic and MoniqueWe are all about helping your marriage thrive. 
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