I definitely agree with what Dave Willis has shared here below regarding expectations in marriage....

"One of the most significant sources of stress in marriage is tied to expectations. When expectations are unclear, unhealthy, unspoken or unmet, one or both spouses can start to feel neglected, inadequate and/or frustrated with the marriage. I’m convinced many (if not most) divorces come back to expectations. 

When a man and woman first start out together in marriage, both of them are carrying unspoken expectations. They each have a vision of what the home life will be. They have separate ideas of what their sex life will be. They have different dreams for what their future family will be. They also have different expectations for what the each of their responsibilities should be."

Dave goes on in this post to address specifically what husbands need, want and expect from their wives. (in no particular order)  I'd like to address each of these needs/expectations in separate blog posts. Stay tuned!

1) Companionship
2) Respect
3) Sex
4) Domestic support
5) Commitment  

You can read the rest of Dave Willis' article here. 

​Let's have a conversation...

The last two Augusts, we have experienced some really smoky days, which seriously affect air quality and what we are able to do outside. In talking with folks, no one can ever remember such smoky conditions as in the last two years. I experienced some nasty smog growing up in So. Calif. but nothing quite like the sun blocking haze created by this smoke. 

As you can see by the photo on the right; the smoke literally changes the color of the sun by filtering the actual colors that are normally revealed. This is not a photo of a sunset. Wow!

I can't help but thinking, as I experience the limitations this smoke has put on our daily life and plans for hiking, that when I (we) live in sin, willfully diving into self-centeredness, selfishness and me focused living, my (our) perceptions of life and relationships around me (us) gets cloudy. There are similarities to the distortions the smoke is making for us here in NW Washington, I do believe. What do you think? What are some of the distortions you experience when you are laser focused on self? How do you experience others, especially your spouse, when they are self-absorbed and living momentarily in an "all about me" existence?

The distortions are very real aren't they? In this photo, looking across the Puget Sound, you should be able to clearly see the mountains. Whoa!

​When we live in the truth, we should be able to clearly see the reality of our relationships and how others are experiencing us.  Lots to contemplate and talk about here for sure, so we will continue the conversation next time. We would love to hear from you in the comments. 

​I just read this excerpt, via my email inbox, from one of John Eldredge's books titled; Walking with God. I read the book at least 5 years ago, and right now I'm reading this excerpt with the lens of marriage and family in regards to "others". What really caught my attention was this statement.."We tend to jump in, as opposed to walking with God. Either we give too much or too little, or we offer what is needed, but at the wrong time." Read below in context below. 
 
"People make up a very large part of our lives. We’re surrounded by people. We deal with others every day, from the driver in front of us, to the waitress in the café, to the gal in the next office, to those who share our homes. And they are nearly always, one way or another, in some sort of need. Or crisis. Or self-inflicted drama. And one of the great dangers for the person who has begun to desire to please Christ is that we simply let our conscience be our guide in relating to others. We tend to jump in, as opposed to walking with God. Either we give too much or too little, or we offer what is needed, but at the wrong time.
 
It would be a revealing study to look at the way Jesus relates to people in the Gospel stories. Sometimes he stops midstride to offer a word or a kindness to what seems to me to be a pretty minor character, someone I think I would have ignored. Other times he ducks for cover, dodges an encounter completely (see Luke 5:12–16). He possesses a freedom toward others I find myself longing for.
 
What would happen if we began to ask Jesus what he is saying when it comes to the people in your life?" In answering this question for me, I hear Jesus saying 'slow down Vic, listen to me, trust me and enter into the relationship to build trust.'  

Wow! This goes along with what we mentioned last week, "We cannot let another love us unless we trust them, no matter how much love they have for us." I encourage you to ponder the question this week in the context of your marriage and family; What would happen if we began to ask Jesus what he is saying when it comes to the people in your life?"

We must have a starting point in trusting one another. I suggest that starting point is the goodwill of your spouse. Monique and I learned this from Emerson and Sarah Eggerich, who so beautifully teach this in their Love and Respect material. Here is what they say;

​"One key to making your relationship safe and secure is to demonstrate benevolent goodwill toward your mate – to believe he or she has good intentions, to expect the best of the other person. Even when your mate messes up, you can choose to believe in the goodwill of your spouse. Unfortunately, what often happens when you feel unloved or disrespected is that you start predicting and judging the other person's motives. Research shows that successful couples don't make condemning judgments about the other; they choose to trust their mate's intentions.
Once a couple decides to see each other as good-willed people, it changes their perspective and the filter through which they view their relationship. "Good-willed" doesn't mean we'll do good all the time; it just means that the intentions are good.
Matthew 26:41 says it well: "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". Since a man and a woman naturally view conflict differently, they too often judge each other. During those times when your spouse is frustrating you, you can still believe in your mate's goodwill, respond accordingly and treat each other as teammates, partners, even allies.

More to talk about in trusting next week. See you then. 

In an earlier blog post in this series, regarding "hardening of our hearts", we shared this from our friends at Trueface...

"To resolve our sin issues we must begin trusting who God says we are. We cannot mature without the healing gifts of grace. "

Unresolved sin is like a thief who works in stealth mode. In Behind the Mask we read this truth.

"The three-phase chain reaction caused by unresolved sin takes away our ability to have intimate relationships. It makes us feel ashamed and lonely and robs us of the joy of showing our true face to the world. "

​Our response to sin (selfishness) happens without thought; we experience the emotions connected with guilt or hurt. Left undone (unresolved) our shame (sense of inadequacy, not measuring up) will be ignited.

Here are the results of unresolved sin if ignored or dismissed;

▪ We become highly sensitized to our sin and judge the sin of others.
▪ We lose our objectivity in a crisis and we become the issue.
▪ We hide our sinful behavior and become vul- nerable to more sin.

There are other toxic byproducts that can come from allowing shame to cause us to hide or ignore unresolved sin. They can also produce three other debilitating results:

▪ We are unable to be loved or to love.
▪ We become vulnerable to wrong life choices.
▪ We attempt to control others.

Ultimately, our spouses, our friends, even our children can sense our inability to move toward them with love. How pitifully tragic!
taken from Behind the Mask

So here in lies the soil for a hardened heart. The tragic thing is that a hardened heart is not able to receive or give love. In this condition, love dies which leads to divorce. It does not have to be this way. There is good news! We can resolve our sin (selfishness issues). We can choose the way of love and the One who first loved us. Let's talk about this next time.