"That's just not fair..."

"Playing fair will destroy every relationship in your life.
Fair is giving good things to others as long as they give good things to us. Then if they fail us in some way, we respond “fairly.” We give it right back to them, either at the moment or soon thereafter. Either our words or our actions say, 'That’s not fair. Therefore, I am not going to do good to you any more. In fact, I’m going to give you exactly what you’re giving me. Then you can see how it feels.'"  Henry Cloud, Boundaries.me


The above quote came from a post I read from Henry Cloud on Boundaries.me. He titled the post, (read more here); The Bad Habit That Destroys Relationships. This title caught my attention, as Monique and I exist to help marriages thrive, and desire to see relationships built up, not destroyed. 

Playing fair is similar to what Monique and I learned from the "Weekend to Remember" conferences we attended early on in marriage after our crisis. FamilyLife refers to the 50/50 marriage plan; I'll do my part and you do yours and then we will have a great marriage. Wrong! It will never work that way. 

The reason the "playing fair" or the 50/50 plan doesn't work is that it is rooted in performance. This produces a conditional relationship, something that faith in Jesus has obliterated for us in relationships with our spouses, kids and others. The love and relationship we have with Jesus is a relationship built on trust (faith) and we receive unconditional love as a result. 

This is how we build a marriage that will thrive...it is built on trust not performance. There is no other way to build a thriving marriage because reality tells me that I fail to perform, which will disappoint, frustrate and eventually separate us if "playing fair" is our foundation. 

Join me next week, as we will be talking about how to avoid the let's just "play fair" plan and move into loving relationships that last a lifetime. 

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